


Middle Life Crisis

by DiYunho



Category: DCU, Joker - Fandom, Suicide Squad (2016), The Joker - Fandom, The Joker dcu - Fandom, joker DCU
Genre: Affection, Attempted Seduction, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Tension, Awkwardness, Blue Eyes, Declarations Of Love, Denial of Feelings, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Roller Coaster, Emotions, F/M, Family, Family Bonding, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Fatherhood, Feelings, Feels, Flirting, Fluff, Fluffy Ending, Funny, Gotham City - Freeform, Hilarious, Joker - Freeform, Kissing, Love, Love Confessions, Motherhood, Pampering, Panic, Parenthood, Romantic Fluff, Seduction, Sex Talk, Talking, Tattoos, The Joker - Freeform, The Joker Jared Leto, The Joker Suicide Squad, The Joker dcu, The Talk, True Love, Villains, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, middle life crisis, parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-11-12 18:36:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18016199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DiYunho/pseuds/DiYunho
Summary: Your daughter came back from school today, having some question after the anatomy class. You are not home yet so The Joker is the only one around that can satisfy Emma’s curiosity. He doesn’t want to, yet we all have to deal with our share of unpleasant things. Including his majesty The King of Gotham.





	Middle Life Crisis

**Author's Note:**

> You can also follow me on Wattpad and tumblr under the same blog name: Diyunho.

“Daaadyyyy, are you home?” Emma shouts, placing her backpack on the couch in the living room.

“Office!” J announces and she heads upstairs, impatient to talk to him.

“Hi, daddy,” she smiles, entering the room. J is at the desk, typing on his laptop: a list of reasons on why he didn’t kill Batsy yet.

“Hey Pumpkin; how was school?” he asks, absorbed by his writing.

“School was good. The anatomy class was interesting, we talked about the male and female reproductive system again, plus…”

“Say what?!” he stops typing, confused, watching Emma drag a chair and take a sit by him.

“…Plus,” she continues, “we talked a bit about sex. I mean, I heard about it before and stuff, but I want to know more. ”

“What?!” The Joker manages to utter, his eyes getting big. He reaches for his coffee but he gives up since he can’t concentrate and his mind is all over the place for the moment.

She is staring at him, waiting for a reply and The King of Gotham doesn’t remember the last time he didn’t want to make a sound. “Where’s your mom?” J mutters, wanting to switch the topic.

“She’s not home yet,” your daughter bounces her legs, excited to hear an answer.

“Ask her about that stuff when she comes back, allright?” he gets out of it, already having enough on the subject.

“It’s fine; you can tell me too, daddy,” she insists and J takes a deep breath, wondering how come you’re not home yet. Why does he have to deal with this?!

The Joker passes his fingers through his neon green locks, hums something not very sweet to himself, preparing for the inevitable: 

“Well…you see, kiddo, when I man loves a woman…” and he slides the platinum bracelets up his wrists, then pulls on his gold chains, cracking his neck in the process.

“Do you love mom?” Emma suddenly asks, interested in his reply.

“Pfftt, no!” he scoffs, taking a sip of coffee.

This conversation is taking even a worse turn than expected.

“You’re lying, daddy,” she points out. “Mommy says than your eyes get darker when you lie.”

“Your mom doesn’t know anything,” J sucks on his teeth, completely busted.

“Do you love me then?”

“No!”

“You’re lying, dad,” she jumps off her chair and hops in his lap, kissing his cheek.

“Oh, so now I’m dad ?!” J pouts, giving her a sassy gaze.

“Daaaaadddddyyyy,” Emma drags the word, hugging him tight.

“That’s better,” The Joker agrees to the little correction, trying to seem as insensitive as possible, but he gives in and hugs her back.

“When can I get boyfriend, daddy? I’m almost 12,” your daughter plays with his diamond earring and J’s heart stops.

“Never!!!” he grouchily cuts her off.

What the hell is going on today?!

“You don’t need a boyfriend, they’re useless!!” the speech goes on and Emma has a great comeback because you know, she’s your kid:

“But…you’re mom’s boyfriend, daddy. Does it mean you’re useless?”

The Joker stops breathing, his left eye twitching to the point of bursting out of his head.

“ I.AM.THE.JOKER !!!!! I am the best thing that ever happened to your mother!!!!!”

“Don’t get mad, daddy; I don’t like it when you get mad,” Emma kisses his cheek a few times again, calming down her father’s outburst. He exhales, huffing:

“You know, kiddo, a lot of women would like to be in your mother’s place,” J explains, fully believing in his own statement.

“Then…how comes she is the only one around?”

His mouth opens, the silver smirk he had slowly disappearing. 

“Listen here, Pumpkin!!” he raises his voice and your daughter knows how to avoid more catastrophe. (Because she’s learned from the best: you.)

“Don’t get mad daddy, I really don’t like it!” and she fakely whimpers for a few a seconds, prompting the irritated parent to take it down a notch.

“You and your mom are the same: teaming up against the only guy in the family,” he snarls but yanks at her waist to bring her closer to him.

She suddenly snickers, the fake cry melting away because the little strategy worked so no need for it anymore.

“But no boyfriend, got it? We will buy you a private island and you will live there alone. Your mom and I will drop by every week to see you and to bring supplies. And this is the end of it !!!!” J really wants to clear that up.

Emma smiles because she is used to her father’s quirky ideas; you always call them “aberrations” and your daughter forgets what that means but it sounds hilarious.

“Ok, daddy,” she lifts her shoulders up, agreeing to something she is aware won’t happen…hopefully…

“Pumpkin, don’t you have homework to do?!” J attempts to distract her from asking further questions.

“Oh, I do,” she remembers. “Lots of it!”

“Well then, go do your homework!” The Joker eagerly encourages his offspring, hoping she is taking the bait.

“Ok, daddy. Can I go do my homework with Aria?” (That’s Frost’s daughter, a year older than yours).

“Yeah, sure, go ahead!” J rushes her, wanting to get rid of the young pest, excited she was easily distracted. Your boyfriend has to thank himself for passing along this trait, since …you know, he gets easily distracted also.

“Thank you, you’re awesome!” she enthusiastically screams, kissing his cheek one last time before taking of.

“Don’t stay there all day!” he shouts after her and she answers before grabbing the backpack and stepping in the elevator.

“Yes, daddy!”

Emma doesn’t have to go too far: Frost has an apartment in the same building, 18th floor.

Thank God! J rolls his eyes, relieved the nightmare is over. 20 minutes pass and…

“Baby, I’m home!” you let him know and he is soooooo quick to get downstairs.

“FINALLY, Princess, what took you so long?!” he grumbles, sulking and dragging you after him in the master bedroom. “You won’t believe what happened!”

“What happened?” you demand to find out.

You get pushed on the bed and he crawls on top of you, hiding his face in your neck. He always does that when he wants special attention.

“She asked about sex,” J mumbles under his breath, getting worked up about it.

You snort and begin to caress his hair, going down his back, which is part of the special attention routine—you just know what he likes and needs.

“What did you say?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it…” he sighs, smelling your perfume.

“That horrible?” you cut him some slack.

“Yeeaaah.”

“Awwww, my poor baby,” you peck his shoulder and he nuzzles in your neck even more.

“That’s my little girl,” he growls, underlining the real issue.

“She’s growing up, J , nothing we can do about it…” you remorsefully conclude too.

“I think…I think I’m having a midlife crisis, Kitten. I feel very old today…”

So dramatic, but you understand the problem.

“That can’t be, babe. A middle life crisis at the ripe age of 42 ? I doubt it… Most likely a slight panic attack.”

“I don’t panic,” The Joker slaps your side, savoring being pampered.

You bite on your lip, barely containing a smartass remark.

“A-ha, ne-ver…not even as the owner of those 5 wrinkles you have,” you tease him which makes J touch his face in a hurry.

“Where?!”

“Around the eyes, it’s ok…They are blue enough to distract so that no one will ever notice. Unless you get older and older…and you get more and more wrinkles…”

“Shut up!” he lifts his head up to look at you.

“I’m joking,” you giggle and take a different turn. “You are surely, undoubtedly and indisputably handsome, gorgeous and beautiful.”

“Go on…” he narrows his eyes, liking all the praising.

“You have a nice ass.”

“I do,” J grins and kisses you.

“And awesome abs, soft skin…”

“Go on, Princess. Flattery will get you everywhere…” he purrs and get even more comfortable on top of you.

“Your wrinkles are really not that bad,” you start laughing when J bites your chin, annoyed.

“Zip it!”

You look him in the eyes and he knows why: you still want a short briefing on the conversation he had with Emma.

“She asked me when she will be able to get a boyfriend.”

“And?”

“I said never!! Nobody is going to lay their filthy hands on my Pumpkin!!”

“Umm, your filthy hands are all over me now. What’s the difference?” you taunt and he shows you his fingers, vexed you are making fun of his ordeal.

“My hands are clean, see?” and he sneaks them under your shirt again, feeling you up.

“And what did you answer on the sex part? What do you know on the subject, hm?” you wink at him, amused.

“I know enough to get by, “ The Joker arches his back so you can take his gold chains off.

“You do get by…” you laugh and start unbuttoning his white shirt.

“Allow me to demonstrate,” J offers, dying to display his skills.

This is also part of his special attention routine. 

Definitely required after he barely managed to avoid a middle life crisis today. 

Nothing that can be done about the wrinkles though…


End file.
